The other part of the letter I sent to my grandma and my dad. My dad knew I was going to send it. I sent it to her becuase I was leaving. She is pretty much the leader of the family and she can help arrange things so things will be taken care of better while I'm gone. But, she never knew the full picture..so i sent her this. I couldn't be around my dad anymore and I needed to move on with my life. Caregiving for him has been so hard on my heart..and toxic for my soul. The arthritis isn't his fault. But, he still destroys himself... I cant watch that and i cant take any more abuse. It's hard to move on with this though and if you feel like reading through the letter..you can see a little bit of why.

I actually sent it over amonth ago. You know how it is with me though. I just dont post on here that often.But better late than never.



Grandma . I'm sorry I'm putting all this on you. But, I'm thinking you are probably going to better be able to figure out what to do. You can talk to the family and help them better understand what actually goes on. So, that now I'm gone you all can look out for him and Hunter.These aren't everyday things. Most days it good. But, it still wears down on me so much. And this all shouldn't happen in the first place. Thank you so much for your love and support. You talking to me last time I saw you.. meant so much to me. I'm sorry for crying so much when I last saw you. I was fighting with my dad a lot that day and I was feeling emotionally drained. What you said to me though. Helped me finally helped me make the decision to leave. You know how my dad can be and you can see things from the outside. So, thank you. I still worry..but I feel better about my decision. This isn't the most coherently written thing I've put together but I'm getting to the point where it doesn't matter I just need to get it out there.

So... part of the process of taking control of my life means I need to learn to let go and live my life for me. This is so hard for me. Because things are not perfect or even ok and I want to help keep things under control and be the good helping daughter. But, I'm realizing now that I'm not in control, in this state I'm going to make more mistakes than good. But still, trying to figure out what the best thing to do has been tearing me apart.

My dad is very sick and always broke, im afraid he will think im abandoning him and that i don't care that he's in pain a lot. I know he thinks I don't respect him and hate him. But, really I just worry and get angry.

My brother is mean and continually isolates himself from people,im afraid that he will be lonely without a mother or siblings around to love him and guide him, im afraid that that the guilt and obligation i had pertaining to my dad fall upon on him, that he will feel as trapped as I do and he will resent me for leaving


This is the extremely shortened and simplified version of everything thats going on and the anger and pain that is poisoning me and my family I'm going to change that.

I'm going to find the magic to turn my life around. Then I can live by example and share that magic with those around me.Becuase thats what i really want to do and this is different. I'm really going to do it.

However,I am also learning that even if i do all that it wont fix everything that they all have to fix themselves. Thier faults, pains, and hardships in thier lives are not for me to nessasarially something I always have to be apart of and that its a product of thier descisons in life. This is part of what is giving me strength to leave. But is also making it hard to do.

So, Im going to start finding this magic by writing this letter. To let out some of the thoughts and anger that has been driving me nuts. With this letter, I will try to peacefully share my fellings.






There was a day a couple years ago, when I was moving out of my roomates house and the fight got really bad. People I thought were my friend complelty backstabbing me and calling my mom a cunt. She was there helping me move out. Eventually, we threatened that we will call the cops if they don't let us move out in peace and they finally left us alone. My dadf heard about this. The main guy that was starting this was a guy named Adam. My dad drove al the way over to the house. Went into the house when my mom and I were literally begging him not to go in and went after Adam. Started punching him and beating him. Adam was pretty good at defending himself though. There were alto of people n the house and it turned into a brawl. Dad broke a beer bottle and almost came very close to stabbing someone with it. Somehow he kept his temper in check enough not to and let them take him out side. Poor haven was there. She was on the other room crying. The next few days my dad was calling me all pised off saying all sorts of stuff. I was very angry at them too..but really?




Some time during the month of october 2011, dad spent a bout a week and half compleltly drugged out on Valium, xanex and oxycodones. Started taking five pills of the xanex at the same time(I am pretty sure that he was only supposed to take two) and on the same night he took double the does of valium. I found this out after coming home from work the next morning and he was waay out of it. I told him to either stop taking them or only take one of the pills the next night at the desired dose. I reminded him of that many times that day. Next night did the same thing. Winthin less than a week he took entire bottles of xanex, valium, and later on I found out entire bottle of oxycodon as well.


He fell down the stars about a week after the drug incident. He called me a told me after he fell. I litterally begged him to please go to the hospital.i spent three days asking him to atleast get checked out. He refused. I believe its ok now. But, the reason this incident bothers me is because I am sick of asking him to get help. If anything happens. Im left with the mess. I dont always know what to do. Thisi why im writing it this. So people can get more of the full picture so we can get the help.his docter also chewed him out about this.

12-9-11 Dad fell down stairs again! Because of those freaking pills!The dose suggested is ½ to 1 per night. Hes supposed to take 2 at the most, since it was filled on the 7th, in the past two days. He has taken 5 xanex. I just found this out.

12-11-11-- On the 9th I made sure dad only had one xanex that night. I was gone the night of the 10th. I put only ½ pill out for him to take to sleep. And hid the rest of the pills. Today I got home he completely high laying on the couch. So, I go count the pills. Since he took the 5, then the 1 on the 9th, and I gave him the half last night He is only supposed to have taken 6 ½. I counted. I looks as if hes taken
8 ½ !!!

He says, “Man, just from that one half i've been loaded all day!” So, I confront him about it and say. “what about the other two? When did you take those?” he goes what I didn't take two more! I told him I counted.

Then, he changes his tune.

“The half wasn't enough! So, I found the pills and only took 1 more pill!” As if that was ok. It was only 1 and not 2! The fact is. He went behind my back and knowingly took more than he's supposed to.

So, it looks like he found where I hid it and took two more than he's supposed to! I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought that because he's on those pills that hes forgeting that he took it and taking more These, pills make you very very forgetful. But, now that he's deliberatlygoing behind my back and looking for the hidden pills and knowingly taking more. He knew that he had taken that one pill already.He told me so when I got home and h e knew where hes supposed to find it. Now, he abusing pills again :(. He used to have a bad problem with pain pills a couple years ago. He had to go to rehab. I looks like to me that he found another one to abuse. Too bad..these pills coul have helped himhe has really bad insomnia.


While, haven was visiting, dad and I were having differences in opinions of cleaning arangments. Dad asked us to clean the kitchen while he was at football practice with hunter. We gladly agreed. Haven really really wanted to watch more episodes of charmed with me. I'll admit that we have been spentding days andh ours watchig this show together. However, the only thing we could use to watch the show was on hunters computer. We both knew that by the time we would be finished with the kitchen hunter would want the computer back and we couldnt watch more. So haven and I agreed that we will watch one more show and when hunter gets home we would give him the computer and clean the kitchen. Dad comes home angry pissed pusshing me around screamming calling me a lazy bitch and the fight got so escalated that haven was crying and hunter had to pysically put himself between us.






He puts me down calls me names, telling me that when he was my age he had all this responcibility. Basically being an ass to me just because he doesnt see things the same way as I do.

*Haven has seen a lot of the ways that my dad blows up and now has told my mom that if she dies she wanted to stay with john and not dad. Which breaks my heart because I know that dad is a wonderful loving father. He just has his issues


Dad not making hunter call his mom. Hunter is mean to him mom. And continually refuses to call her. I've confronted my dad many times before about it. His excuse has been “Can lead a horse to water, but cant force him to drink” or “Hes a teenager” . Really, so he's not making sure that Hunter has a healthy relationship with his mom and they don't listen to me. And he doesn't push hunter as a father.

I worry every day for Hunter. I do not know what the right thing to do is. And it tears me apart. There are so many days where I don't think hunter should be in dads care. However, most days its good and I know da loves hunter so much. I don't want dad heart broke or to ruin our relationship beyond repair. But, Hunter literally does NO chores, spends all day playing xbox. And I mean that. He gets home goes right onto the xbox. I try to puch him to go play with friends or to do something with me. I never happens and dad doesn't push him either. Only thing hunter has is football. Hunter wont speak, wont be nice, wont do anything for anyone else. Im the bad guys for trying to make these points and when I get so fustrated that I blow up.Then i'm told Im disruptive to the house and needs to move out. My fear of leaving him with dad..ie. Presures of takng care of him, fear of finding dad dead, fear of not right giudence, fear of him resenting me mom or dad.Fear of taking him away resentment, legal batter between parents, family becoming even more devided.




Arthritis medication. Found out he hasnt been taking methotrexate for a year. His docter recently found out as well and called him to chew him out. Now hes taking it finally. So he makes changes. And go figure hes actually feeling better. But, just another case where hes not taking care of him self addiqatly and only does anything for him self if ppl get on his case.

diabetes stuff. Ok so he has apoint we can barly afford food some days. Things like cars breaking down, medical bills, and medications make it hard. But, sometimes I feel ike he just doesnt even try to budget and whe things bet bad we either pawn hunters computer or he borrows money from me. But, I just have a huge issue with the fact thathe doesnt have any strips at all!! He says he cant afford it. It pretty expensive he alreadyhad to pat hundreds of $ on other meds. He says every month he takes test at the dr. and it says he has good blood sugar out of the month. Iguess they can tell that. Which is great. But........
There have been times where he seems a bit out of it and I would like to chack his blood sugar. Its all about assesing situation, There are days where his eyes suddenlt get blurry. Is it getting old, is it new medications, or is is his blood sugar? He drinks soda everyday and eats nothing but processed food. He tries to eat kinda healthy but still. Thers always candy wrappers all over the place, tobacco chew everywhere, and he literally lays on the couch and watches tv even on days where hes feeling pretty good pysically. The only time he gets out of the couch is to go to hunters practice and games, get food, try to sleep at night and pee. Yet another case where he can be doing things to help himself but chooses not to.






Dad lost the storage unit in AZ that literally had everything I owned all my momentos. I'm talking pictures, my favorite doll i've had since I was ababy, the video from the birth of my daughter, my massage therapy books and chair....everything. I was devastatded. Things I loved dearly and things I needed. He finally told me this around sept 28th 2011 but he lost it months before. He never gaveme the chance to work to save it. He never even told me that he was having trouble paying it. Another case where it feelsl ike he has no consideration for me like when he killed my cat,or threatened to kill my friends.


Dad gets mad at me for sharing things that happen with my mom. We are her children she deserves to know. But he looks at is as, “telling mom all my dirty laudry” As if we are all out to get him. When really, I'm trying to get things out , share things with mom that are happening to HER children, and figure out what to do.





Things were more manageble when he was more healthy and had good income coming in. But, now... it is just becoming impossible.




12-9-11 dad fell down stairs again. Hes supposed to take 2 at the most, since it was filled on the 7th, in the past two days. He has taken 5 xanex.


A couple years ago. My dad killed my cat and didnt tell me for a month. I recently had a cat and in order to move in with my dad Ii had to get rid of it. I was having a hard time getting a home for him. I refused to take him to a shelter because I knew he would be killed for sure. Dad siad I was childish for careing about my cat and taking longer to move in. He siad I was costing him money..but if he wasn't always barrowing my money I would have been able to afford to stay at my place. Barely..but I could have made it. I had two jobs I got in that time frame..one I lost because I had to take days off to take care of dad and the other when we went camping. He was sore from camping and wanted to leave with the car. He left me there with no transportation so I couldnt get to work. Anyways, he said he talked to a girl named Rachel at his work. She was moving into a new place and would like to have a cat. So, oneday while I was at work he was to take my cat Binks to her place with all of his toys and his litter box. I was happy that he found a home. Steve Waite worked with my dad. Sometimes I hang out with Steve. He mentioned going to the house of a Rachel girl tht he works with. I asked him if that was the only Rachel that works with them he said yes. I asked him if she has any cats. He siad no and as far as he knew she never had cats. I know my dad. He could have lied to me. Do I know the complete truth no. But, I should hav known better than to trust him. Many of my animals were abused, gone missing, or killed in his care.


12-16-11

So, today is the last day for a long time that hunter, my dad, and I will be together. Dad thinks its funny to startle me out of my sleep. He's done this the last two days. So, I am a bit irritated already. I'm getting last things done before the move. He mentions he needed luandry done. I said so did I and he suggested that I put my luandry in now. So, I did. Not even 15 minutes later he says we should go out to eat friday. I said today is friday..he gets upset with me and say iknow! Even though earlier he thought it was thursday (the xanex makes him miss days) So, I said ok we should. Then a few minuts later he says we should go now. I get a bit irratated and mention that I had just barely put my clothes in the laundry so I don't have clothes. That converstionhappened and he got in my way right where I was trying to do something a moment before he came into the room. He gets mad at me says I have split personality and calls me a psycho bitch. Anay ways, we end up arguming hes fallowing me into the closet wher im trying to find clothes and he calls me a psycho bitch, and Morgen(this is a name that means delusional crazy women, in reference to my mom's mom). I get so angery that I tell him if i'm a psycho bitch then he's the sociopathin the family and I tell him to shut up and that I really hate him sometime. I hate it when I get like that but he's very good at pushing those buttons. He ends up taking hunter out to eat and not me. Even though I'm the one leaving and this is the last time we will all be together. I try to explain this and I ask him to wait for my clothes to dry, or ask him for us to wait and cool down. Even though I was soooo angry with him I still wanted us to try and have a good nigh out together. His reply is why would you wnt to goout ot eat with someone you hate? I told him that doesn't matter he's my dad and I care about him. He shakes his head, says ya right, and him and hunter leave me here. I just do not know what to do anymore.

I'm really tryin g hard to contrl myself in my English class. I know i can do it but everyday that passes my patience wears thinner and thinner. He really can't teach me. His teaching style is so wierd and he doesnt even know how to use the tools that other teacher in this school know how to. I can't help but think such nefgitive thoughts when I'm in his class.  That also fustrates me becuase I'm usually really positive and can look at things on the bright side. Yet, it really ticks me off that I'm paying for an education and I have a teacher that can't teach and seems to be only doing things half ass. He gets upset with us when we get confused on a due date ofr not fallow what hes saying but seriously he barly makes sense. *sigh* i want to talk to him but how do you tell someone that his whole teaching style sucks....
My education is important to me and i know its not supposed to be easy, yet even crazy mean instructers can teach a subject  really well and I'll be fine. I mean cant he atleast meet us half way!!

  :D With my dad!! so happy! Always a daddy's girl!!!!!  Muah!!! Love oyu dad I'm so happy you are doing better! So much healthier!!!


On another note!! more post coming up. not today but very soon. I'm excited!!

I just found out that  my daughter is coming over to visit next week!!!! I'm sooo excited!!!!! My little sunshine is  coming to see me!! :D

So i have many things on my mind lately and I was dumb enough  to watch a little news today. I ended up seeing a news clip about 31 children dieing in a fire at a day care center. I'm feeling very emotional today so I just about started crying my eyes out when I saw that.


Thank goodness my friend posted up this video :) It totally lifted up my spirits.

http://circminxxx.blogspot.com/2009/05/dolphins-create-bubble-rings-by-blowing.html


I love dolphins. i think i want to be one. haha.  I used to see them all the time when I lived in Florida. I miss that. I miss the smell of the ocean too oh and the breeze,  oh and the thunderstorms across the horizon, and sitting on the rocking chair watching the sunset.....wow  why do I live in Arizona again?


Soi due to my etra emotionalness I'm gonna have to get my self on a more even  state before I go to work. I'm still training so I'm gonna be even more sensitive when I mess up. Today is a saturday too. Which means its gonna be crazy busy.  :(



breath in...breath out....breath in ....breathe out....

oh yeah this is gonna be one of those days.....

Exclusive Interview with Dr. LSD, part 1

Hank Poster: Hank @ Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:12 am by Hannibal Goodfellow 03-15-2008 Q : Dr. LSD, is it true that you are from what we here would refer to as the future? A : Hannibal, that's a heck of a leadoff question. The short answer is 'yes,' but the reality is kind of complex. Let me put it this way... Q : Doctor, we'll come back to that. First, tell us : Who is Dr. LSD, and why should we care? A : I'm a writer and professor of economics at Princeton and I also make psychedelic music for the general population. Q : Is "LSD" your real surname? A : No. I bring my materials to your reality under the pseudonym of Dr. LSD as a way to invoke an, ah, shall I say a nostalgic yearning for distorted perceptual experiences? I promote the use of unorthodox thought techniques and radical, insight-oriented shifts in perception, which were some of the objectives of the historical psychedelic movement of your times. The drug LSD, or more accurately the idea of that drug, was a big part of the original iconography of the movement. Now, of course, the actual drug LSD has been all but extinct for centuries, so in a lot of ways my invocation of it is similar to, say, someone in your reality who called themselves "Professor Absinthe" or something. It's a way to conjure, if you will, the spirit of a bygone and nearly defeated strain of thought and attitude. Q : What do you mean when you say that LSD has been extinct for hundreds of years? A : Well in my, ah, apparent temporal reality, if you will, recreational drugs are practically unknown as far as their actual use or manufacture is concerned. Resources have been far, far too scarce for the past three or four hundred years to divert any significant portion of them to the production of recreational drugs, and competition is so intense that most people would probably not take them even if widely available due to fear of losing their competitive edge due to inebriation. LSD, though, was already disappearing in your era -- the availability of true LSD declined sharply in the first decade of the 2000s due to a combination of law enforcement action and a profound lack of discernment among the user base, who rarely complained when they were sold lower-grade inebriants such as ketamine or dextromethorphan in the guise of LSD. I largely attribute this apathy to the documented fact that average commercial dosages had declined rapidly since the 1970s, leading to a much less intense effect per dose that may have been indistinguishable from these lesser drugs' effects. Q : It sounds like you're promoting psychedelics as a means to insight, but your music often has a dark and disturbing feel. Some of your critics have called it "awful" and "unsettling." What's your aim with this stuff? A : In part, I'm trying to use harsh aural images to provide a point of contact for the core audience. In order to really gain insight from these ideas, people first have to connect with the music on a gut level. Then, the consideration is that true psychedelic experience isn't always the entheogenic bliss that used to be promoted in the drug culture -- it's really a more complete and vivid plumbing of one's own mental reality, in all its appealing and scary states. Q : So your core audience is disturbed people? A : Well, the fact is that the average person, which is the target audience, has a life that's pretty stressful. As I mentioned, serious scarcity of resources compared to what you experience here has made the average life pretty hardscrabble. Even if you're used to it, it's still difficult. So having the musical features that you describe as disturbing is in reality a way to give people something to hold onto while they seek the psychedelic experience. Q : Can you describe the average person's reality in more detail? A : You should get my book "An Acceptable Future," which deals with, for lack of better language, the future of people where I come from -- the future of the future to you. In that book, I describe the present in considerable detail as I set up a series of speculations designed to provoke thought about how our actions will affect the future reality. Q : That's pretty confusing. Can you just tell us? A : Well, I can talk about how it is in comparison to how things are here. For example, in your present, resources are heavily concentrated in certain geographical areas. Suffering, if you will, or maybe what you'd call economic hardship is generally more prevalent across all demographics in my present. Most people work very hard for at least ten hours each day, generally for really huge corporations like Coca-Cola, Beech, or Apple. Food prices are about ten times higher than the ones you enjoy. The labor market is completely glutted and has been for centuries, as fertility rates kind of plateaued out at higher-than-replacement levels. Instantaneous remote communication over computers made availability of expertise very inexpensive for a while, which created an information flood and a huge oversupply of experts. These factors combine to make it so that people are extremely motivated to keep jobs once they have them -- competition is, as I said, fierce. Q : Yikes! Let's talk about the music again here for a minute. The electric guitar features heavily on your music, whereas when people think of futuristic music now, they're usually thinking of synthetic sounds. A : I use the guitar in my music to make it easier for the average person to connect with. Where or when I come from, very few people are able to afford the equipment to make wholly synthetic music; the substrates from which computational logic devices are made have become so expensive that they are used only for business and industry, or otherwise by the wealthy for recreation. Likewise, what you call plastics, that is, synthetic polymers, are now astronomically expensive and again are used more or less exclusively by industry and the military. My publications on economic practice have earned me a healthy disposable income to supplement by professor's salary, so I have the luxury of owning both acoustic instruments and synthesizers and use both widely. In your era, it's common for ordinary people to make music very inexpensively by, for example, combining samples from previously-recorded works in digital format and combining them with generated sounds. In your future, few people have the money, or indeed the time, for such activity -- a machine that can play back recorded music on demand now costs the equivalent of hundreds of your dollars. On the other hand, simple mechanical devices like guitars are easily and cheaply manufactured using industrial and agricultrual by-products derived from such things as plant husks, livestock bones, and smelting residue. Many people use guitars and other mechanical instruments as a means of relaxation during their few leisure moments. Q : What kind of guitar do you use? A : The model I use is made by the Gibson corporation from pressed plant fibers in a denatured livestock-byproduct matrix, and is similar in scale length and general configuration to popular models from your era. Q : What other corporations are still around in the future? A : Monsanto, Apple, Dow, a lot of the big ones that you see. The information glut I mentioned made it easy for well-funded companies to discover and buy up new technologies as they arose, effectively riding centuries of innovation on a brand name. For example, Apple, which in your era makes personal computers in Chinese labor farms, now controls the photovoltaic industry and therefore, a big chunk of the energy market. Those devices are still made in labor farms, but now they're in Cork and Duluth. Q : What kind of money does the average person make, in our dollars? A : Maybe like fifty dollars a day. But keep in mind that the cost of things like food and many other goods is increased tenfold. So to you maybe ten dollars a day. And some people don't get paid at all. Q : You mean that slavery is legal in the future? A : Usually, when you talk about slavery, you're talking about labor extracted without consent and by force. That's not legal in most states. However, a system very similar to what you call indentured servitude or serf labor is widespread. In most states, the practice of what we call "volunteer service" is common. Under this system, a person of voting age can enter into a contract to provide labor for a period of time in exchange for a lump-sum payment. Since the vast majority of these contracts are written for the lifetime of the laborer, this is similar to slavery in ancient times. Q : That sounds bad. A : It's just the reality of the marketplace. It started out a few hundred years ago as a way for the working class to pay for their kids' education, which would hopefully give the kid a leg up. Of course, then the value of skilled labor plummeted while population increased, so that now you can't even get a low-paying job without having an education. So in short, the only way for parents to have hope that their kids will end up with paying jobs is to enter volunteer service themselves. A lot of people will work a paying job and make ends meet until their kids are ready for school, then enter volunteer service and use the money to fund the schooling. Q : What are working conditions like? A : Regulation of labor is moderate now after about two hundred years of being totally unregulated, so I'd say there has been marginal improvement. For example, there are now minimum legal standards of living in courtesy houses, which are what they call the dormitory-style living quarters associated with volunteer service. It used to be that these courtesy houses were very dangerous, infested with vermin, and served food that was not nutritious. Now I'd say that the average American worker enjoys conditions comparable to those in, say, your Indonesia. Q : You mentioned voting. If governments are democratically elected, why don't the people enact better laws? A : As I mentioned, some reforms have been introduced as a result of popular opinion. However, as far as labor is concerned, it's a tightrope -- they people who run the industries can handily shut down or sell off work centers and reinvest their money elsewhere. Q : You give your music away for free and distribute it from your website, http://DrLSD.com . Why is that? A : Well, in your future, it is not really possible to make a significant quantity of money from creating music. My goal is to spread my psychedelic ideas to as many people as possible. Generally, and I think that you experience this as well, people are not inclined to give up their money for entertainment. As I mentioned, the costs of electronic apparatus, both for creation and playback of recordings, prohibits the average person from obtaining the basic equipment. Music is created by people who earn their living in other ways and have the leisure time required to produce music, much like, say, poets behaved in your era. Music is submitted to a number of public and private libraries who then broadcast it free of charge to anybody with a receiver. The receivers are very simple membranes made of conductive organic recycled materials, costing only the equivalent of a few of your dollars. The broadcasters are financed through either advertising or the donations of the very rich; it's a system similar to your broadcast radio. The broadcasters make little money or are run at a loss. Some of the more popular musicians voluntarily restrict their material to the philanthropically-supported broadcasters, and as a result the commercial ones tend to have much lower listenership which limits their profitability. In short, there's no money in it -- the musician's primary motivation is to spread the ideas that are stored in the music. Q : Your Web site has been restricted to subscription access, but your press kit says it's going public. A : That's a fact -- starting in 90 days, my materials will be available on the public Web free of charge. Q : Have any musicians from or era influenced you? A : Sure! Your era is really the most fertile period in musical history, because so many people had energy and time to devote to it. Most of the big psychedelic groups -- LA Style, Napalm Death, Spacemen 3, Masonna, Utah Saints, Sun Ra, Massive Attack, Boredoms, Anthony Braxton, Prodigy, Roni Size, many others influence me a lot. Q : Who did the painting on your Web site? A : My son Ed, who's 17. Q : Aren't you worried about setting the wrong example or encouraging drug use? A : I'm not in the business of setting examples, but if I were, I'd say that the example of advocacy of self-learning and profound understanding of mental experience is a pretty good one to follow. As I mentioned, drugs are a non-factor in the future. Most people just do a little yoga, or play an instrument, or listen to broadcasts instead. Q : Is Dr. LSD dance music? A : Not generally. I mean, you are by all means welcome to dance to it if you're inclined. A lot of the tracks are funky or at least have a repetitive rhythm. But functionally, that's not what this music is designed for. It's designed to help you get access to your mind. If you can dance while doing that, excellent. In your future, the vast majority of listening time for people is when in transit. So a lot of my songs have a repetitive style that is designed to 'zone you out,' as you'd say, and let you get into your own head while being transported. Q : You've emphasized repetition, but a lot of your tracks have meandering, evolving melodic lines that are usually tied to no particular motif or key. A : This aspect is usually my attempt to sonically represent one possible mental exploration. Q : Let me get back to your book for a minute. Obviously, if you're travelling here from the future to talk to us, time is static and immutable. So what's the point of your introduction of 'thought-provoking' action points or whatever? A : OK, now I guess I'll have to talk more about the nature of how it is that I'm here telling you all this stuff. Q : Sure nuff. A : If you have a passing familiarity with what you call quantum physics, you can probably grasp what's going on. The fact is that I didn't travel here from the future or otherwise move backward in time. Doing so might not even be possible -- the arrow of time continues to confound us even after we understand the fundamental structure of reality. Q : You don't say. A : No, really -- so-called 'time travel' is probably never going to happen. I'll spare you the physics lecture, but I will say that the big science cats of the 20th century -- Minkowski and Barbour -- were essentially right, and that it turns out that no quantity -- none - can be measured without reference to another. But back to quanta -- Q : Right. A : So you might be aware of how two, say, photon can exist in an 'entangled' state -- that is, basically brothers Karamozov of the particle world? Two yet one? Q : Yeah. A : OK, and have you heard 20th century physicist Roger Penrose argue that a consciousness can't be extinguished? Q : No, but I'm a music reviewer, not a science geek. Continue, we get the point. A : Well, in short, consciousnesses can behave like like individual photons, even though obviously a consciousness is created out of practically innumerable photons. So the way it breaks down is that my consciousness, that is to say the guy you're talking to right now, is quantum-entangled with another consciousness - another 'Dr LSD' -- who exists in what you would call the future -- which is really just a spatial separation. There, I said it. Q : I barely understood a word you just said. A : OK, there's a guy called me who's in what you would call the far-flung future. His consciousness is identical to mine in every respect at all times -- he and I are the same, and have been since we came into being, like, were born. So I know and feel everything that he does and vice versa. I'm here in your era and have always been; he's always been in the 'future.' We perceive ourselves moving through reality at the same 'pace' -- that is, our experience of the arrow of time is identical. Q : I think I get it. So is the other guy causing a big stir in the future with 'your' knowledge of our present? A : Not really -- detailed knowledge of the past is good at parties and might make you a good historian, but that's it. In the future, people have little patience for stuff like this

Exclusive interview with Dr. LSD, part 2

Hank Poster: Hank @ Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:45 pm Interview with 'Dr LSD' by Hannibal Goodfellow, 03*15*2008 Second of three parts See part 1 below Q : Let's go back to your point about recreational drugs not being a part of your society. This seems counterintuitive to me, especially given the, ah, straitened economic conditions you describe. In our history, many people have responded to conditions like the ones you describe with despair and self-destruction, leading to a subculture of crime, idleness, and escapist drug use. Are you saying that desperation and its product, crime, have been licked? A : Not really -- I didn't say anything before about crime. Crime still exists, though law enforcement mechanisms are many times more effective than they are in your era, largely due to gargantuan advances in surviellance technology. Organized or career crime is not very profitable as a result, so most of the crime we experience is a spontaneous product of what you call desperation. Things like workers robbing others for food money, mass killings when people go berserk, etc. However, repeat offenses are difficult to commit, because the law enforcement apparatus will generally catch criminals quickly and incarcerate them for very long periods of time. So the opportunity for a depressed criminal underworld to develop with a drug underpinning just isn't there anymore. At least not in society -- in the prisons, there are probably some kind of chemical inebriants being used, though I haven't studied that. If so, they're probably some kind of industrial solvent or something. Also, you mentioned idleness -- unemployment is illegal in most states. Those who can't find work and won't or can't enter volunteer service are given jobs in labor complexes run by the governments. Q : Where does the money to run the prisons and labor complexes come from? A : They're nominally funded by taxes, but in fact those institutions run at a pretty nice profit because everyone in them performs productive work. Bear in mind that nearly everybody has some kind of education, so the inmates and government workers are able -- and required -- to do work that creates far more value than inmates in your prison system. So, they're able to fund themselves as well as generate additional revenue. Q : I don't see how they could be all that productive -- what's the incentive? Our prisoners generally slack off as much as possible. A : So do ours, but how 'much is possible' is the big difference. Those who don't meet productivity quotas are subject to pretty harsh corporal punishment. Q : What about those in the non-prison work centers? Surely it can't be legal to corporally punish free workers. A : Well, as I said, unemployment is illegal in most cases. So if you don't meet your quota at a work center and are 'fired' from your job there, you go to prison. Q : A lot of what you're saying about labor really runs counter to our popular wisdom. It's widely supposed here that advances in artificial intelligence, miniaturization technology, and cheap robotics will allow humans more leisure time and luxuries, not less. A : The technological advances you foresaw did come into being. The snag that wasn't widely anticipated and that led to the current situation was the extremely steep incline in raw materials prices. This eventually meant that robotics were only really available for wide deployment to industry and, especially, the military. Q : What sort of robotics are deployed by the military? A : Of course, most of it is secret classified stuff that they don't tell econ professors. But what we've seen is that, from your perspective, weaponry has changed from ballistic and explosive to robotic in nature. Most weapons take the form of very small robots, similar to what you would call nanotechnological devices, that attack humans in various ways. These of course prompt the deployment of countermeasure robots. Human soldiers generally don't enter battles unless an occupation and resource harvesting is the goal, and then only after most of the enemy population has been eliminated by the weapons I described. Q : There are people who would love to interview you more about this subject. A : I'm sure there are. I'm happy to talk about it when I have time. People should just understand that this is the actual reality, not some "A Christmas Carol" thing that you can change by cleaning up your act or whatever. The things I'm describing already happened and are happening. Q : You know "A Christmas Carol?" A : Sure. You know "The Iliad," don't you? Q : Right. Again on the subject of your Web site : it looks primitive, even by our standards. A : I didn't want to spend a lot of money on it since it draws no revenue. But I think it looks great -- simple, to the point. What more do you need? Q : Does the Web as we know it exist in the future? A : More or less. As I mentioned, computers are very expensive due to resource costs, so only the very rich have personal access to the Web -- sort of like how satellite television was in the late-mid-20th century. However, most governments maintain libraries that are essentially buildings full of Web access terminals. The technical aspects like transfer protocols have changed, but the idea is at root the same as it is in your era. Q : Back on that point about the cost of computers : are we still using silicon substrates as the basis for the logic processors? A : No, no, those were phased out long ago with the binary era. We use quantum states now that perform operations using a synthetic substrate. Q : So why not use silicon to make cheap equipment that is similar to what we use? We can get an mp3 player, for example, for less than an average day's wage for a laborer. A : There are two reasons, smart aleck. First, silicon, like many raw materials, is far more expensive for us that it is for you, though silicon computers would be far cheaper to manufacture than those we use. But the biggest reason is power consumption. Electricity is astoundingly costly by your standards, and our computers use less than one percent of the power in operation that yours do. You could start a small war in our era with the power it takes to run your personal computer for a day. Q : Electricity is expensive? You said that photovoltaics are a big energy source. I'd think that after centuries of refinement, their efficiency would be tremendously improved. A : It has, but it's that materials and manufacturing cost that's the killer. A panel that can power, say, a housing block is only about the size of one of your cars, but costs the equivalent of millions of dollars to manufacture. Q : What about coal, plutonium, and other fuels? A : Your era and those preceding it were characterized by combustible fuels. Those fuels have either been exhausted, are impossible to harvest any further due to geological and technical situations, or are too valuable in non-fuel roles to use for combustion. The world has been running on solar power nearly exclusively for about five hundred years, and it defines our technology just as combustion did yours. There is a small amount of chemical power generated as well, and bad actors are used for fuel in some states. We're trying constantly to find new sources of power that are cheaper than what we're using now. Nuclear reactors are no longer built due to extreme expense and problems with waste management as well as vulnerability to sabotage. Q : Sabotage? A : Yeah -- when they were still a viable -- indeed, the preferred - energy source, a common war tactic was to plant teams of engineers in the enemy's nuke plants and cause them to fail and, ideally, explode. Casualties were not really big from these attacks, but people really got freaked out and the plants eventually fell from favor. Q : Did you have formal musical training? A : Music is taught as part of the mathematics curriculum in most American universities, so yeah, I did. Music is used to demonstrate a lot of calc-based functions and sequence theory, so most people get a fairly in-depth exposure to music. Q : What's your favorite color? A : Orange. Q : Who's the richest person alive in the future? A : Without a doubt, that's James Frake. He's the heir to the Frake fortune. His great-great-great grandfather Phil Plone Frake was the guy who first developed an efficient way to harvest polymers from ancient landfills. Old 'Pepsi One' bottles are worth more than gold. Q : What's sex like in the future? A : Buy my book and find out.

Hank Poster: Hank @ Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:33 am By Hannibal Goodfellow 03-15-2008 See parts 1 and 2 below Q : You didn't answer my question from before. What is the point of telling people these things if they can't change them? Didn't you say that your book "An Acceptable Future" is meant to provoke thought about how peoples' actions affect the future? A : First of all, you asked me here to talk about music and then started asking all these other questions, so, you know, that's not what I came here to do. I came here to spread psychedelic music and ideas. You can't change the future, as you say -- the future has already happened. Time is static. Q : So why would anyone in the future buy your book? A : Because nobody where-slash-when I come from has knowledge of their future, including me. The static nature of time doesn't negate causality. Since we don't know how things worked out in our future, there's the potential that changing the way we do things can result in a future reality that is better than if we didn't change things. Q : So there aren't any people like you in your reality, whose consciousnesses are quantum-entanged with people from your future, or whatever? A : Not that I know of. The nature of my condition, that is, having my entire consciousness entangled with another, is so staggeringly improbable that there may not be a similar case at any place or time. Consider the commonly-stated fact of quantum behavior that for a can of soup -- all its particles simultaneously -- to spontaneously move an inch in any direction as a result of quantum fluctuation is of such remote probability that it may never happen in the history of the universe. There are more quanta in a sentient mind than in a simple object like a soup can, and for every particle-wave in it to be entangled with another that is also configured in a mind, and also symmetrically configured with respect to the near-innumerable other quanta in the other mind, is very close to an impossibility. Q : So you're a freak. A : I'm a freak. Q : I'm confused also about your music and your claim that it is from the future. You said before that physical travel through time is not known to you and might not be possible. How then do you bring your music to us fro the 'future?' A : Now, that's a good question. The answer is that I'm fudging my claims a little bit. The music is composed in your future, that is, I compose it in response to the reality I experience in what you call the future. Of couse, physically speaking, since I'm the same in the 'future' and here, I also compose it in this reality. Now, it's not possible to transmit information across 'time,' so the recordings that you hear are not made in your future. They're created here, using compositions created in the future. Q : But you said that information can't be transmitted across time. A : No information is being transmitted. In entangled states, simultaneity is complete -- what I think in the 'future' is thought simultaneously by me 'here,' and vice versa. No transmission occurs. Q : Sounds fishy. A : Read up on it in any of your popular science books or watch PBS for a while and you'll probably get it. The fact that this music is from the 'future' isn't even really the main point. Q : It sounds to me like you're just creating and recording music like anybody else. A : If you want to see it that way, great, as long as you listen to the music. The fact is that the information that spurs these compositions is experienced in your future. But that's not really important, as long as you can experience the psychedelia that I intend. Q : So you record these things using our technology. A : Here, yes. These compositions get recorded both here and in your future. But as I said, the guitars are very similar, and overall, I'm able to get the final output to sound very alike in both realities. Q : Doesn't your boss at Princeton get mad when you're spacing out, messing with your recordings 'here?' A : My boss spends most of his time watching his own back -- academics are ruthless. Q : Don't you think it's deceptive to market this music as being from the future if it's recorded here? A : First off, this stuff is distributed for free, so people can take it or leave it. Second, do you consider it deceptive for people to record music composed in the Baroque period and market it as "18th century music?" Q : OK, I get the point. The music is pretty cool, either way. A : Thanks. Q : What do people dress like in the future? A : Not like you, pal, that's for sure.

© 2008 Latewire.com

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As I mention in my upcoming essay "The Inadequacy of Hope," the condition of slavery that we find ourselves in -- that is, that we cannot do as we wish and can't live free from coercion by others -- is rooted in a basic fact. To wit, we have been trained to stake our survival on external sources, from employers to food supply chains, and are therefore in bond to those sources. The spigot of this terrible reality spray is the view that human institutions were created for the purpose of and can be trusted to secure for the individual results that are beneficial, and furthermore to distribute those results in an efficient manner. We are so convinced that these institutions can take care of our needs better than we ourselves can, that we have surrendered our sovereignty to them. Even when they fail, we hope that they will right themselves so that we can be in their good care again soon.

This dependency and subsequent self-sale into servitude occurred as a direct result of our appetite for a single commodity : convenience. Our thirst for convenience and its brother, portable money currency as a store of wealth, proved to be so unquenchable that when we were offered a bargain wherein we would be able to live without ever really seeing personally to any of our basic human needs such as food, shelter, defense, or sanitation, but would as a result become utterly dependent on and enslaved to the entities we allow to see to those needs for us, we opted in without a thought.

We're slaves. We can't even escape our bonds by running : if I successfully sneak away to some other place now, I'll still be as unable to live without a steady stream of currency, food created and transported by someone else, and shelter created and maintained by someone else that if any of these supplies were to be substantially interrupted, my life would likely be in real danger.

This arrangement, in the pithy words of Rodney Dangerfield, sucks.

There is a potential way to break the Marley chains of modern institutional dependency, this new slavery I've described :

First, we must abandon the hope that these institutions will ever truly deliver to us what we need and desire in a way that remains efficient and also keeps us free.

Second, we must quickly and effectively learn real ways to achieve practical self-reliance.

This task is huge and daunting, as the knowledge of self-sufficiency that was held and exercised by a very large percentage of Americans not much more than a century ago has been evaporated from the popular mind by decades of nonuse, and even if we could instantly revive that knowledge base, it would be sorely lacking in relevance to our modern world.

The truth is that we need to develop a fresh body of methods for self-reliance that make good sense for our current reality.

The easiest first step toward freedom from institutional slavery in the modern world is to be able to reject the industrial food supply chain that controls what we eat and when we eat it. That is, we should learn how to grow and produce our own food.

The articles I'll present on food-raising here are drawn in large part from the excellent classes offered by the Phoenix Permaculture Guild. I've provided notes for each piece on adapting the tactics presented to various climates. Let's take ourselves back, starting with sovereignty over our own physical frames and the food we feed on.

I'm writing an essay for some scholarships I'm applying for. The question was about what challenge I had that took the most significant amount of commitment. This is what I have so far. It is still a draft but this is way overdue I should have written it for myself years ago. It's a story I had in my head and lived but I never really wrote it out. This telling of it is a little shortened but I figured this is something I  could put into my journal. It's actually become a bit theraputic for me haha. So, here it is.

I’m not going to pretend I have all this life experience or that I have conquered some great huge challenge that was impossible to overcome. I’m only twenty-one. I have made many mistakes in my life and I still have yet to do many of the things I need to do in my life to obtain my goals. I have my limitations and insecurities like any other person. But from my experience no matter how big or small the challenge may be it can take significant commitment just because of the emotions that come with it, the prejudice of others, or even the well intended advice and help of those around you. It takes some sort of vision and commitment to get through any hardship. This particular one isn’t about getting through school, or curing a disease, or climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. All those things are valid and admirable challenges that people have overcome. But I don’t have too much experience with those kinds of things. Mine is about dealing with the consequences of one of the decisions I have made and over coming that.

             So, when I was 15 I met a boy. We loved each other.  We really did.  We were happily together for two years before it happened. Most of the relationships of our peers seemed like emotional roller coasters and fights from the beginning. Ours seemed to be missing all that and it was just all the good. He was a few years older than me.  We went to the same high school and even attended the same classes together. We were together for along time. So our apparent age difference, the fact that he had eventually graduated and had a job that allowed him to buy his own boat so we could spend the weekends at the lake didn’t seem strange to us. That was just us. But on my 17th birthday I found out something. I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant. That is when my challenge began. I started thinking about my life, my relationship, and the lives of those around me. I remember people congratulating me. I knew that a baby is indeed a blessing and I still believe that. However, it struck me as strange that people would congratulate me when a baby is not just a blessing, and it was not planned, a baby is much more complicated than that.

Many people just assumed that we would get married and do what everyone thought we would do. Naturally so because he was older and more stable he felt more ready for things that I wasn’t.  When we were together he would go on about things like getting married, having children, buying a house. All these things he would tell me he wanted to share with me. Of course when we talked about this I would always imagine it in the far future some years and years after I graduate and have gone to college. After some time though, I realized that he is more ready than I am and may want these things before I’m ready. I was still so young and even though I loved him very much I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to have all those things with him ever. So before it happened I decided I was going to leave him and try just being me. But that is when it happened. That’s when I found out I was pregnant. I remembered that my mother went through a similar thing when she was my age. I remembered the look in her eyes when she talks about the marriage she rushed into after she had me, or when she talks about how she couldn’t believe it took her 17 years before she went back to school, or how sorry she was that she couldn’t save up college money for me or give me the treatment I needed for my A.D.D., or put me in the programs I wanted or needed to be apart of. I realized then now that I had my baby in my belly the need for a mother to do everything she can for her baby. I realized that the look in my mother’s eyes was the struggle between a mother’s love and life’s circumstances. My childhood really wasn’t all that bad from what I remembered, I knew I was loved, but I knew of my moms sacrifices and of how much better off a person I could be if I have had the opportunities I needed. That is when the thought of adoption came into my mind.

 When I shared this thought I was shocked at the onslaught of accusations and opinions those around me had about what to do with my life and my baby. My own father cried and told me I wasn’t allowed to give up our blood our love, my boyfriend was of course outraged that I didn’t want to just be with him and have our baby, those I thought were my friends would tell me how selfish I was and that I just wanted to abandon my responsibilities and it’s my fault so I have to keep her because that’s what being a mother is, one girl even said mothers like me were sick and deserved to go to hell. How dare I want to abandon my child!! How dare I be so selfish!!  But I didn’t feel like I was any of the things they said. In fact, what I wanted more than anything was to just have her for myself and hold her forever in my arms. But in my heart I felt that was even more selfish. How was doing exactly the opposite of what I wanted and trying to do the best thing mean I was being selfish?  How was thinking about putting her in a better home with a better family meaning I was abandoning her?! How was I less of a mother just because I wouldn’t be raising her even though I felt just as much love as any other mother? I knew that I couldn’t provide for her the life that I so longed for her.  I had support from many others as well so I it helped me a great deal. I’m grateful for that.  But, with the constant contradictions, advice and opinions, and the conflict between my heart and mind, staying committed to the decision that I felt was the best took a significant amount of strength that I had to find within me from somewhere. I found the strength within me and did what I felt was the best for all of us.

Now, my beautiful baby girl is as happy as can be. She has a big brother who adores her and watches over her in her family, she has two loving stable parents that have been together for years and years filled with love for each other and gratefulness for the chance to complete the family they longed to have with each other. She lives in a wonderful home, with a great family, with all the opportunity love and support a child could need. Her father and I have our own lives but we have gotten over our differences and she only gets even more love and support from our families as well. So really because of my commitment and support that now surrounds us my little girl is one of he most blessed children in the world.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

i found a great documentry about the  MPAA . It is very interesting. It makes me personally sick of the state of this world. I've always thought there was something not right about thier rating system.  Now here's a  film that sheds alot of light of that subject. Takes a look and see what you think.

ladies and Gents for your viewing pleasure or dismay lol


This Film is Not Yet Rated

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-559517494445537267